I woke up thinking negatively about my job. Thought about it all the way into work today. Then I got to a point in my commute where a bunch of firemen were collecting money for kids suffering from Spinal Muscular Atrophy. I thought, is god giving me a sign to stop worrying about my job. These children have a tough life and I am worrying about my inconsequential problems. I took it as a sign and my day went pretty smoothly. There were of course times that all I could think about were what I was going to do when I lost my job.
But on balance it went really well. And then the CEO showed up. And you know what happened, NOTHING. It was like a normal day to everyone else. What a moron I am. So I go on with my life and my job. I am sure tomorrow something else will make me crazy.
I have come to a point in my life where I see the worst possible outcome in most events. I start a project at home and foresee failure. I go for a workout and expect a heart attack with the smallest chest pain. I have a pain in my arm and I think heart problems. I go to by something and automatically think I am being taken advantage of. I plan an event with the family and think something will go wrong. It is the worst at work. I see a closed door meeting and think it is my bosses talking about me, about a failed project. A client doesn’t speak to me at a large meeting I think what did I do wrong. In actuality none of these things have anything to do with me. I have no problems, but my mind is out of control.
Tomorrow the CEO and HR director will be coming to our office and my immediate thought is that I am going to be laid off.
I have to get over this.